Guacamole

In the world of chips and dips, safe to say, guacamole rules. It differs from past posts in that it involves no cooking other than chopping and smushing. My guac is not original nor is it a composite of various regional guacs, if such things exist. Just straight ahead guacamole, fresh, crowd pleasing and right.

At different points in the production, one could, if one choose, substitute ingredients. You could buy frozen avocado mash or bottled lime juice etc. Now if you were making guac for 175 pp., you'd be a caterer and probably would not have time or peace to read my blog, so, let's do it the hard way. The guacamole gods will reward you and you'll be a better person.

It starts with avocados. As a child, all I knew from avocados was that elementary school teachers would poke their large pits with tooth picks and suspend them over a vessel of water like a severed head kept alive in a bad sci-fi movie. For this reason and others, I did not eat avocado as a child.

The stores offer 2 types of avocado. First, the large, bright green, less expensive Florida type. They're alright but the Hass type are better, certainly for a salad. The Hass are more expensive and smaller. In NYC now, the Hass are going for 1.50$, give or take. Try both.

Ripeness: If not ripe, green, if ripe, black. Also, soft. If over ripe, too soft, almost feels sorta hollow. These will reveal nasty blackened interior that you will not be able to use. If you can get a deal on avocados, but they're all hard and you need to use them tomorrow say, store them in a paper bag in a warm spot like a high shelf or the laboratory with the severed, talking, staring heads. 3 - 5 avocados will produce roughly 1 quart of guac.

While we are shopping, let's get the rest of it. Tomatoes. Forget those tasteless non-descript pseudo-tomatoes. Usually the least expensive, they're not even good enough for bad theatre let alone a tuna sandwich. Abominations I tell ya!! Plum tomatoes are okay, deep red and ripe, 5-8 for the 3-5 avos. Scallions. One bunch should do it. You can go onions if you prefer, 1 onions, I suggest, red or Bermuda or vidalia. Spanish or white could get overpowering. Jalapenos(squiggle over the n). These are critical as they provide the heat. If you want it really hot, you add the pepper's seeds. Having said that, just buy 2 or 3. Limes. 2 or 3. Cilantro, sometimes called coriander. It looks like flat parsley but smells entirely different.

In addition, you will need salt and pepper and ground cumin(cumino). Now we can begin, kinda. I'd like to tender an insincere apology for unloading this novel length guacamole procedure on you that would be barely half a page in the Joy of Cooking or, Celine Dion's Fiesta Canada Cook Book. I, want you to know guacamole, so shoot me why dontcha'.

Okay, get a bowl, a good size mixing bowl, big enough to put your head in( not suspended ). There is another dip, call it salsa, call it pico de gallo(guy-o) or, with some alteration, bruschetta. The progression is going to be; first we make the salsa, then we add the avocado, thus, guacamole. The reason for taking this route is this, or thus. Avocado meat turns black when exposed to air due to it's alkaline pH. If your first step in the process was to scoop out the avos, by the time you finished, it would all be gray-black. The acidity of the salsa step will keep the whole thing bright happy green. Movin' on. Salsa.

First, cut the little stem plug things out or off of the tomatoes. Then, cut the tomatoes in half along the equator, not, end to removed end. Take each half and with a lil' squeeze, lose the seeds in the sink. The seeds would become bitter and the gelatin around the seeds would throw too much water into the mix. I'm sorry, but you are going to have to. chop these. If you think I can spend all day talkin bout anything, believe me I can spend all day all night talkin bout chopping, but not today and not tonight. If you opt to use a food processor, which is legit, slice the tomatoes up a little bit for even results. Short bursts, don't puree it. Better let it drain in a sieve now to lose that tomato water you just created, a disadvantage of the processor. If you go the knife route, on a cutting board, first slice the tomatoes then chop the tomatoes. A butter knife or a steak knife wont work. At some point, you'll need to take the plunge and buy a real knife. Let's save that for another day too.



The scallions or onions. Option scallions. Scallions need to be washed but you are going to chop them first. 2-4 stalks from a bunch of 8-10 might be enough for you. Cut off their little root ends first-discard (Save the unused scallions with the roots on). Chop these down fairly small and rinse in the sieve you used for the tomatoes. The tomatoes are in the bowl and once the scallions have dripped dry, they go in the bowl.

Option onions. I regret to announce I'm going to discuss chopping onions. You cannot cut or chop onions with a serrated knife and expect to not tear up. A french or chef''s knife is the right iron for this routine. You could use a paring knife though not a serrated one. Cut off each end of your onion and then carefully cut one line from end to end(pole to pole), roughly, 1 skin layer deep. This should allow you to peel off that 1 outer layer skin-discard. Now you have a naked onion which you will now cut in half from end to end-top to bottom. Now you have 2 onion halves, look at the exposed interiors. You can see which is the stem end and which is the flower end. The trick here is to get a fine dice using the knife as little as possible. Lay down the onion half on it's flat side remembering which end is which. Now make parallel cuts from the stem end to the flower end all the way through to the cutting board but leave yourself a little distance from the stem so the whole thing sort of remains intact. Okay, now, you can make cuts perpendicular to your first set of cuts and neat little diced onion should just fall away. Minimal cuts, minimal tears. If you need a visual on this there must be a shmillion books and videos that show you this technique just as I try to describe it. The better you get at this, the finer a dice you will be able to produce. Add your expertly diced onions to the bowl with the tomatoes.


In pro kitchens nowadays, we have an endless supply of plastic disposable gloves. I can't tell you how many times a day I change gloves. I've come to appreciate this now legal requirement in kitchens. I see these gloves available in supermarkets and pharmacies now. In the pharmacy, you might find them with the hair coloring products. This brings us to the jalapenos(squiggle). During the jalapeno chopping phase of the process, do not rub your eyes or 'scratch' your nose and be really mindful going to the bathroom. One time, with a much hotter pepper, in my youth, I was forced to pour a quart of milk down my pants. I don't mean to exaggerate the need for precaution, and, look out. Cut off the top(stem end) of the pepper. Next cut the pepper from end to end but, a little to one side. This will keep the seed cluster in one bunch and it's easier to remove them like that. Again, if you want multi-alarm guac, leave the seeds. Like with the onions, use a geometric progression when dicing. Cut the long way, then the short, minimize use of the knife. Add the diced 'chilis' to the mix and discard your gloves or, wash your hands.



Cilantro is a very sandy herb and needs to be washed not just well but effectively. The way
to achieve grit-less cilantro is to float it. Grab any pot and fill it with cold water. Tear off however much cilantro you want to use and throw it in the pot-water. Tear where the stems start to get leafy. Remember, this stuff is full of sand, like a beach towel so don't shake it carelessly or you will have sand all over creation. Agitate the floating cilantro so the contained sand sinks and the herb floats. Then, by hand, remove the floating, clean cilantro. Look to the bottom of the pot and see what you lost. Running it under cold water does not work. This process is how you clean loose leaf lettuce or spinach or leaks etc. Just rinse the pot and put it back. This, as with other herbs, you will chop by rocking your knife on it. Practice.

We are getting close now !!

All you have done so far is in the bowl. Mix it up and now is the time season. Kosher salt. Don't cook with table salt, it's so hard to control. Since I don't right recipes I'm not going to tell you how many grains of salt to use. Start with a little, stir, wait, evaluate and adjust. Similarly, add black pepper, preferably from a mill. They sell these great little disposable pepper mills now, so clever. Add a little cumin to this and now we go to the limes. Roll the limes on a surface with your weight on it. This mushes up the lime inside, before you cut it, so it juices easier. Cut them(equator) and squeeze into the bowl. Don't worry about the last drop and save the squeezed limes for later. Stir up what you got now, which is fresh salsa. You should have a delicious and satisfying product.



By the way, just to settle an argument, or start one, there is, NO garlic in guacamole. Thank you. Now, back to our show.



The avocados. Take one and cut all the way around, from end to end so you can feel the pit in the middle. Now, you should be able to gently twist 2 halves apart, one containing the pit. You can get the pit out by carefully hacking into it with your knife and twisting it out. Be careful. There is NO blood in guac either. With a nice dull tablespoon scoop out the avo meat and add directly to your salsa thing, stirring and, smushing as you go, coating the precious avocado meat in preservative acidity. Save the pits, discard the skins. Smush this all up. Eureka !! You've done it. Evaluate and adjust.



If you are not going to eat this immediately, you are now faced with the challenge of keeping it this color for say, 24 hours or, until your guests arrive. There are 2 solutions. Best you employ both. First, throw the pits back in and remove them just before service. How or why this works is a total mystery to me but if you must know, consult the guacamole gods. Secondly, and more scientifically, smooth down the surface of the guac in the bowl and cover-contact with a paper towel. Get those limes you did not exhaust and squeeze out the rest so the paper towel is saturated. You have now cut off the air and created a surface of acidity. Cover that, again, surface contact, with cellophane and again to cover the bowl. This will buy you time with the understanding that guacamole is, if nothing else, exceedingly ephemeral.



Folks will tell you what they put in their guacamole beyond what I have prescribed. Everybody is right. There are no rules, except about garlic and anyone transgressing this edict will be punished eternally by the you know who's. This is how you make guacamole. Enjoy.